I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
