saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
