he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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