SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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