The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
