My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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