oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
