I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
