I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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