I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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