I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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