I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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