Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
