hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
