I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
