Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize