Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
