Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
