True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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