last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
