i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
