Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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