Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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