He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize