I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
