My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
