I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just googled if crying burns calories
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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