He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
