I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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