I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
