I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
