I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
