Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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