girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
