we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
