Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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