I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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