at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
