I like my sex mixed with concussions.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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