My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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