in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
