you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
