Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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