Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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