I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
