I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
