The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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