I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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