Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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