watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
