In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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