This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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