does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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