Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
